How free children are to love. No fear. No expectations. No rules. No “what ifs”. No guidelines even. No, it needs to be so many dates before I can love you. No, I have to know you this long. No, you can’t have had this many arguments or disagreements before I can love you. No “no”. When a child feels love, they express it. No guilt. No shame. No fear.
I have observed this pattern several times before as I work with children. Often, I have been told the words “I love you” even after one meeting. But it was my own child who made the significance of this truth real for me.
We were leaving the parking lot. My child was a screaming mess in his car seat. “I don’t want him to go”. The “Him” in question was my most recent lover. We were meeting to talk as things had grown tense. "Him" and I no longer were focused on wanting the same goal for our relationship. "Him" was feeling the need to be “friends,” whereas I wanted more. We had been dating sporadically for less than 6 months, but in that time, it appeared my child had made his own assessment.
“Mommy, I love Him,” my son declares through his snotty tears- real tears, as we drove away.
“What baby?”, I asked trying to conceal my disbelief and shock. I was being confronted with what might have been my biggest fear…so to be sure I was clear on what I heard, I asked again. "What baby?"
“I love Him”. Yep, I was correct in what I heard and I was now in full shock. “What am I ever gonna do?”, I think to myself.
Panic. What do I say to that? Especially knowing how things were not looking favorably for me.
Later, upon reflection, I found myself pondering, why should my son not love “Him”? "Him"was absolutely great with my child. When the three of us were together, I felt like the third wheel as my child was always greeted 1st and with much enthusiasm. Him tended to my child diligently, affectionately and genuinely. They watched movies together. “Him” always made sure my child never went hungry. They played together and laughed often.
So then why the panic? Why such shock?
Because you aren’t suppose to love someone that quickly.
Wow! How true that is? Or so we often tell ourselves. In fact, I recall other lovers including "Him"talk of we not having met the magical criteria of spending enough time together or hitting some magical number for how long we’ve known each other or dated was reason for us not to be in love. One former lover stated, “I dated my last girlfriend for 2 years before we committed." And for many, I acknowledge this is true and that it is a logical argument – the need to know one’s partner for a length of time before committing or “falling” in love.
But here I was with a screaming child and firm declaration on my hands. In that moment, my son was teaching me a lesson. A lesson most young children have already mastered. The lesson being free to love openly!
In that moment, my son didn’t care whether "Him" loved him back. My son didn’t care what happened next as he was honoring his feelings in that moment as he felt them. And in that moment, he knew he enjoyed being with "Him" and therefore wanted more time with "Him".
No attachment. No commitment. Just his truth of how he felt. And he allowed himself to give voice to how he was feeling and what he wanted. How freeing.
So of course my child had grown to love "Him". In fact, I wasn’t close behind my child as I answered “I think Mommy does too Sweetie. Mommy does too.”
Often as adults when we love, things can turn serious. Complicated. Heavy. Even burdensome as each beloved lives under the expectations of the other, while simultaneously being held under the strain of keeping tally of whether the other’s actions or inactions live up to their own expectations. Keeping tract of rights and wrongs can be time consuming. Children know that there are better ways to expend their time. In this respect, they are wiser than most adults because for them loving equals F-U-N. And often when one is focused on the task of achieving nothing but pure F-U-N, they are doing so F-E-A-R-L-E-S-S-ly.
When children love it is 100% unconditional guaranteed. They love freely as they have little concern with how they will be thought of as a result of who they love. They have no time requirements for how long they have to have known the object of their love. No time restraints for the number of times they have engaged with their Beloved. No limitations whatsoever. They simply love 100% and then express. When the recipient of such love, how can one not help but be impacted positively and want to give love in return?
What if we as adults choose to do the same? To allow ourselves free expression of love without fear of what’s next?
How about we give it a try? In the meantime, here are some suggestions that might assist us all in re-opening our Heart to fearless love the next time you feel weighted down by its pressure.
· What makes the person I love feel loved by me?
o Often in situations, we respond by giving what we want to receive. However, every person is unique and therefore often we have unique needs and wants. So get curious, ask your Beloved what it is that you do or they would like for you to do such that they feel loved by you. And in kind, you can share what it is that makes you feel loved by them.
· See the Good!
o One of the best insights a former friend gave me was that the way he got over our arguments was by remembering the things he enjoyed about me. What wisdom! So try it! Next time your Beloved is picking your last nerve, take a minute and write/recall all the reason you desired the person in the first place.
· Lastly, don’t focus on being right, focus on being happy. Will this matter one year from now?
o One of my mentors gave me this word of wisdom for handling conflict with my Beloved. My mentor said, "Dear One, When your Beloved gets mad at you, take them outside, hang them by their feet on an apple tree and then tickle them to death." Funny, enough this wisdom works for me as well. So in the grand scheme of things, you might find that the one thing that is plucking your nerves really isn't that heavy anyway. Therefore, let it go! Be present to the moment and Love!
So get to it! Love! And let me know how it goes!
